Since yesterday, I have been feeling weird and sad, but after a conversation with my boyfriend today, I realized that I was missing my old self: the little-miss-sunshine who laughs a lot, cracks a joke and has a very high pitch when she gets excited. The thought was triggered when I was not feeling myself when I was with my choir yesterday. 2008 when I joined the choir, I was the really jolly choirmate whom anyone can make a fun conversation with.
As I recall this image of mine, I realized how I've grown a sad person. Part of the cause, of course, is my mental health problem. I take Lamotrigine and Aripiprazole, mood stabilizers that target neurochemicals to keep my mood "normal": not too happy, not to sad. I realized it's been months already since I last felt truly happy. Since the onset of the major relapse of my disorder, I was stuck in the depression-end of the bipolar mood graph.
People who have known me for a long time also know how much of an extrovert I am. I draw energy from people, from conversations, from belonging to a group. That's why when I had the said conversation with my boyfriend, I thought of trying to reconnect with my old friends so it can help me regain the happy side of me. However, for the past few weeks, this may not be a good idea for me because I fear showing myself to my friends. I'm scared of getting myself compared to more successful people; they're now all working, accomplished, earning hard-earned money which obviously I lack. But now, I realized it's just my anxiety talking to me and trying to get the best of me. Catching up with friends will actually be healthy for me. It will help me relax my mind and express what I have to.
So if you are a friend of mine who can give me a short amount of time to talk, please do reach out to me and let's catch up over a cup of coffee or over lunch, snacks or dinner - not my treat tho hehe. It will really mean a lot to me. :)