The dreamer, the passionate, the inspirational self that everyone knew is about to hide in a place where there is no further damage. She will patiently wait until the turmoil is over...until the right time comes. Right now, she just needs to heal.
For the past years, I've been running around trying to find the right path: Should I be a successful marketing manager, or should I be a breakthrough fashion designer? Can I become an unconventional model?
When I was working in the office set-up, it was sure that I was unhappy. Entitled as it may seem, but my "personality" - or what I thought to be - does not fit with the set-up. I felt (and just felt) that I was losing my dignity. This is not to say that all employees are undignified. It's just that it doesn't work for me. I committed 100% of myself, but it never seemed like I was getting something in return, except for money. It felt like it was all just for the money, and not the fulfillment. Until I quit my last corporate job.
After watching The Greatest Showman, I thought it was a preview of what I am about to embark on...the path of entrepreneurship. At first, it felt convenient because it was my passion. I didn't see the flipside of it...the toughness of the industry. The people that will bring you down. The people that will make you feel you're unworthy to be here. The entitlement of people to judge what you do. I fought for it though, because it was my love. You would fight for love. But in the end, I stumbled with my face laid flat on the ground.
People may say that these are just inconveniences. That I'm weak. That I could have done more. But in the process, I didn't know that I was losing myself. It's hard to narrate how it exactly happened, but all I know is that the flame, little by little, got extinguished. Years ago, I never would have imagined for this to happen. The young, driven and motivated self 5 years ago did not have the concept of giving up, or even pausing.
But now, the signs are clear. A medical diagnosis. An extinguished flame. A broken heart. A wounded self...I need to rest and find myself again. I need to regenerate, because there is just so much damage.
Now, I am about to set aside my dreams and aspirations for myself. This is very sad not just for me but for the people who believed in me. But this is to save myself and the people who are affected by what's happening to me. This is not just self-love, but also a sacrifice.
My priority right now is to just keep going in life. To move forward and not pressure myself to "get there". The right time will come, when it doesn't feel like I'm pushing myself too much - when it no longer feels like torture. I now believe there is God's time, because right now I know it isn't yet. You appreciate something because of the absence of it.
A new door infront of me is open, and I am about to enter it. It may be a redirection, but maybe in the future, it will ultimately lead me back to an old path I was taking, but by that time, I hope I am stronger and more ready for it. Maybe I'll have a comeback.