2018 would probably be my most unhealthy year emotionally,mentally and even physically. It was the year that I have been diagnosed with A&D (this 2019, Panic episodes), and my mental and emotional strength was tested by many circumstances and triggers. Now it's already 2019 and I am still alive. In fact, I feel so great!
To be able to conquer all those challenges are heart-wrenching is truly fulfilling and I know it weren't just the meds that helped me survived (not that I'm underestimating it), but it was a combination of a lot of factors.
First is acceptance. At first, I was in denial that I'm not okay. It even took me months before I decided to go to a doctor. I was worried about money. I was worried about being called "crazy". So many worries and that in itself is a symptom. Thanks to other patients, they encouraged and inspired me that it's okay to be one. Going to the doctor is the first and most important step to healing. My doctor, Dra. Liezl Ordonez, is an angel and I cannot be thankful enough to have her as my doctor. Aside from the fact that she is cute AF, she gives that comforting feeling while staying professional and focused on curing me. And I am very thankful that God lead me to the right hospital. NCMH offers affordable medicines and consultation fees and for a broke girl like me, this is just perfect.
Second is support system. The day I told my mom, my boyfriend and a very few trusted friends that I was diagnosed, they were there for me and at the same time, gave me the space when I needed it. I know it was really hard for them to constantly worry about me. Scary thoughts would enter their mind like "What could she be doing now?" "Is she okay?" "I hope she's not getting a rope."..."I hope she's still alive". In my part, having to know that I am worrying somebody is also adding to my anxiety, so they as much as possible had to hide all those fears and be strong for me even if deep down inside, they're worried AF. To me, their presence and understanding is enough. That's all I'm asking for, most especially the latter. And they never failed to give me that. At one point, I isolated myself from the public. I deactivated my social media several times, wasn't attending to any get-togethers, but the moment I had the strength to show up to people and confess to them what I have, I realized that they were actually willing to help and that they are there for me.
When I started to become vocal about my mental health, I was surprised to see that bit by bit, I was already influencing people to have themselves checked and it felt like I had a purpose. As time passes, I feel like this disability was actually a blessing in disguise. Being very social media savvy, being able to share my stories of struggles and survival encouraged my followers to open up and finally release the burden that's inside my heart. Once in a while I talk to them, give them tips on where to go, how to prepare yourself to go to a doctor, what to do when you have anxiety. This inspired me be an advocate, thus joining in a mental health group, the Mental Health Matters by Kylie Verzosa. The community is just the best. not only are they supportive of each other's mental health, but even outside of that scope. I will forever be thankful to Queen Mousa for donating for my fashion show. So factor #3: being open is important also helped me and little did I know that it also became a purpose for me.
Lastly, the willingness to help yourself. Although I must admit that there are several times that I feel hopeless, that I'm already giving in to the voices that I hear, (remember, suicide attempts), the will to survive and to heal is still there. And I draw that will from my inspirations in life: my mother, my boyfriend, my late grandparents, the people who believe in me, my dreams which I haven't fulfilled yet, and more importantly, the One up Above, God. Without them, most especially Him, I wouldn't have any reason to fight.
Come to me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28
At night I just simply talk to Him. No formula prayers. Just a conversation with Him, updating how my day was, telling Him how much I love Him, thanking Him for every single day that He has given me so I may still have the chance to rise from the darkness.
I also talk to my late grandparents. They were my source of pure love. They NEVER scolded me when they were still alive. They were the manifestation of infinite forgiveness which God had given us first: sacrificing His own Son despite how sinful they are.
I also now have a morning routine of meditation, do workout, and as said my previous blog, 2019 is the year that I am going to start fulfilling those forgotten dreams. I bought a little karaoke to practice and get ready for my upcoming auditions. I started building my modeling portfolio, and of course, continue my couture business.
I have the strong hope that I will completely heal soon. Although I still have an undiagnosed immune disease that caused me to lose weight instantly and give me unexplained bruises and fatigue, I am positive that I will be okay someday, with all these with me: my meds, my support system, my openness, and my willingness to heal. I still get the attacks and episodes, but I am more controlled now.
Thank you Lord.