That Uncertain Chapter

I’m writing this at night. There’s a small lamp near me. Just one light and i keep looking at it. I don't know why. Maybe because it's the only thing in the room that feels certain.

Everything else right now is uncertain.

I’m somehow isolating. I’m moving on from a long-term relationship. I’ve erased people i thought were permanent. Started a business with my friend from high school which is either the most hopeful thing Ive ever done or the most terrifying, and right now it feels like both at exactly the same time.

I know who I am now though. I figured that part out. The artist, the designer, the one who makes things on purpose and refuses to make them small. that part is clear. what isn't clear is what comes next.

· · ·

I thought that knowing yourself was the hard part. Turns out, knowing yourself is just the beginning of a whole new set of questions.

like: now that I’ve cleared out everything that was weighing me down, like the toxic spaces, the relationships that were slowly making me smaller, the version of myself that kept apologizing for existing… what do i actually do with the space i've created?

And the past keeps trying to pull me back. some days it almost works. Grief is strange like that. It doesn't respect timelines. You think you've moved forward and then something small will catch you, and suddenly you're standing in a version of yourself you thought you'd already left.

"i know the life i want. i just can't see the whole road yet. only the next step. sometimes only the next breath."

Random thoughts: I want a new community. New friends who actually choose to be here. A business that thrives — not just survives, but actually grows into something real. Maybe love again, someday. I don't know. I’m not ready to hold that thought for too long.

What I do know is that I am still here. Still building. Still reaching for the light even on the nights it feels very far away.

· · ·

I think that's what this blog is going to be. Not a highlight reel. Not the version of the story where I already have all the answers. But the actual thing — written from inside it, while it's still happening, while i'm still figuring out what "what now" even looks like.

I built this space so I could be honest without bracing myself. So here's the honest thing: I'm in a new chapter and I don't know how it ends yet. I'm hopeful and i'm scared and some days the fear is louder, and some days the hope is.

tonight, looking at this small lamp, the hope is a little louder.

that's enough for now.